Wednesday, November 04, 2009
- 12:30 AM
i dont think i'll ever find out when its too late until its too late.
better late then never?
i'll make that wait.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
- 6:16 AM
so it comes back to the question.
do i have a future with that girl? do i really like her?
i dont.
i dont like her, i want to like her, however as to why i want to like her...
its because i like her.
this is so puzzling.
here i am getting high all by myself, because i had a bad day.
no i did not have a bad day, i wanted myself to feel its a bad day so that i can get high, and feel real emotional about her.
sometimes i create this emotions because i can no longer feel that way after that incident.
crazy shit.
so how am i supposed to answer that question.
is it my desperate actions or is it what i am doing on my own accord.
thought is the culprit.
if i did not exert so much brain effort into thinking so deep, i would just go with the flow and perhaps it would happen.
the high alcoholic-blood ratio me and the usual me are two people i suppouse.
i'm just leaving a message so that i can read it back later.
Friday, October 30, 2009
- 12:45 AM
yesterday i was almost late for school. i woke up at 7.55 and performed a miracle...
which was that i skipped breakfast, didn't brush my teeth and then had my father to wake me up and drive me there crazy taxi style within 15 minutes.
and i wasn't late.
my father was pretty pissed about it. he says i played cpu till damn late thats why i couldnt get up.
but the fact was i slept at 10pm previous night.
i swallowed it.
because i found it hard to tell the truth.
which was that i was feeling rather emo so i took out some of my magic potion, got a little high and just died on my bed.
dang.
i may become and addict. getting high is a damn good way to put yourself to sleep.
and i must say, unlike normal people i dont really have a hangover.
as for why i was emo to such an extent... there isnt really a sufficent reason to be emo, but i just happen to be inducing insatiable feelings to myself again.
but the main reason was that i have been wanting to that all along.
i severely suspect that she reads my blog.
no.
alot of people read my blog.
its top on google search for keywords "kendrick+sin"
yea.
however that doesnt prevent me from saying out my problems on this little awesome invention.
yea i dreamt of her... after a long while
and in my dream, i was pretty far from her in a crowd, i saw that familiar face, and in my dream, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS IN MY DREAM i had no guts to approach her after all that happened.
i guess that explains alot.
but then she approached me and the first this she said was "asshole"
or something like that.
and my reply was "i'm really sorry".
and it was really like in some freaking drama or something, the whole crowd dissapeared spotlights and stuff.
i cant really remeber whatever happened next, or i just am unwilling to divulge, either ways i just know was it came to an end, with no hard feelings.
but it somehow seemed like and ending to me.
end of something is the start of another...
does that mean episode 2 is about to begin?
i dont know.
if her in episode 2 is reading this, guessing if she is the one... let me just say this...
i dont want us to be lovers, because lovers can part...
i want time to freeze for us... just at that moment i was lying right next to you, forever... because no amount of alcohol can reduce the speed you made my heart beat.
is that the right thing to say?
argh.
i'll pass on all this shit,
right now i'm focusing on my FYP.
Da Vinci and Wrights, grant me your wisdom.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
- 5:34 AM
i have achieved "experienced fire starter" , "dedicated bbq cook" , "professional satay man" and on top of all, "experienced chalet man" titles for being involved in approximately five chalets within the past month.
yea, september chalet, 3 people birthday one,
lle cousin's chalet,
sebestian and 2 other friends bithday chalet, (dam good)
poly class chalet,
poly cca chalet,
and just finished with alex cum kristeen birthday chalet.
i can say, this is what i really deem as living like an 18 year old.
those computer games and hardcore studying, serves less purpose, if you dont live like an 18 year old NOW, you wont when you are 19, technically, but more so, you wont when you pass that stage in life.
since i turn 18 its been like that, and i must say its a pretty good thing.
downsides... not many just a minor money sink.
its a damn good trade off either ways.
i must say if i were to compare my current state with past 18 years, i have to say, its two different people.
if this is the drunken state of my life, i wish i'd never become sober.
i want to be the one that puts eye drops in your eyes,
the one that you talk to till the morning light,
the one you always tell others about...
but thats just what i want.
i dont know what you want..
i want to know.
Monday, October 19, 2009
- 5:20 AM
my brother.. just gambled away 5k.
no joke :)
money wasnt the problem, i'm pretty sure my parents have at least set aside half a mil but what i meant was 5k could have been used for things like new computer, new bed, renovation, one week getaway in australia.. so many things that will cause so much pleasent experiences that money can never buy, just gone in a poof.
when i knew of it, right away i thought of what would have happened if it continued.
gambling 10k. such a sum, you have to borrow from loan shark cause there isnt a fool who would be willing to lend you that much.
then again the money will come from my parents pockets.
you want to put yourself in such situations, DONT DRAG UR FAMILY INTO IT.
ITS NOT FAIR.
I WANT A NEW PIANO, I WANT PIANO LESSONS, I WANT JAPANESE CLASSES, I WANT DRIVING LESSONS, I WANT SO MANY THINGS... you want to take that money away.
that night i heard. my mom went down to "settle" i assumed she took the money out and gave it away, bearing the hope that her son has changed.
i thought.
the next day, i woke up in a really bad mood, i refused to talk a single word to him, i refused to smile... whole family sat down to eat what my father has been preparing in the kitchen for hours.
while eating, he asks me "why arent u saying a word?" but of course, bearing that thought in my head, my brother is lost, lost in the wilderness, i have lost my brother, how can i smile?
i just didn't say anything, looking at him just made me feel like yelling out what i could have gotten with 5k.
went to work. toned down my mood a little, i dont like to feel sad or angry, i tend to just put that aside.
and until that night, i learned that my mom did not pay for my brother.
that was when i knew.. everything was going in the right direction.
and that smile on my face, required less effort already.
i laugh to myself.
thank goodness, i dont yell when i'm agitated, my brother would have been put under alot more stress even though undergoing such a stressful period in his life.
and i believe in time, he will change, and my parents will notice.
that time is so soon that he wouldnt be able to clear his gambling debt with his measly NS pay of 400 a month.
my parents will fork out the rest.
i know.
i can see it already.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
- 8:57 PM
its been proven guys n girls,
the easier u get drunk, the less powerful the hang over. haha.
got really high last night. sebestian chalet, he brings his gig friends (really dam good with guitars, but nevertheless, none played classical =[ ) and they were like all dressed up in weird costumes (costume party) and they were a little crazy.
they are holyshit drinkers, there was at least 10 bottles of hard liquor there, not cheap one, i think estimated cost of liquor alone ~1k. madness? THIS IS CHALET!!!
alex brought me all the way to yishun for nothing since afternoon and so happened that my tutee canceled tuition, so i wasted whole afternoon at yishun walking ard carrying my new guitar bag (the guitar inside is worthless, its the bag, the bag guys)
messed up.
his intention was to.. make a photo cake. which happened to be unable to be accomplished within 2 working days. so we were basically there for nothing.
and i left home at 2, travelled to there reached at 3, fooled around until 6, then took almost 3 hours to travel there inclusive of approximately five dollars in travel fare.
aloha changi is pretty nice, and i bet the place is cheap. cause there are no facilites, its just a darn big place that is very secluded. might consider it next time...
then i went there, started drinking at 10, sang some cheesy westlife, backstreet boys songs, danced randomly, knocked out by 1+
i'll tell you why. first thing i reach there, i took 2 shots 1 vodka 1 whisky on an empty stomach, deadly mix.
dont do double alcohol, you get yourself killed. i stopped right away cause i had the vomit feeling already.
i swear if it wasnt because i didnt wanna create a scene so early, i would've just vommited out and unleash my 9 tails.
then they only did pure. pure vodka, pure martell, and what was that on the table?
no joke, it was a freaking XO. at least 30 years old, older then me.
and then, there were too few cups..
and then, there was too few soft drinks...
hmm what would you do if you drank until you felt thirsty?
and the table seemed to be round... and it seems that passing the alcohol in a circle would be a good idea... and taking a sip everytime it passed by was a good idea too..
yea so basically thats why 1+.
freaking party.
i never drank so much before, and i swear i never before held my vomit for an entire drinking session before.
seriously, i did not vomit at all that chalet.
and i shat at least 6 times.
best thing was when i was taking train home, from tampanies, half way through i felt like vommiting, it was at city hall, i alighted went to the toilet, count to 10 and really everything came out.
i looked at the vomit, and thought to myself, how did all that fit in my stomach, nono, how did all that even ended up in here?
loud music + alcohol, best combo ever.
i didnt really have a hangover, when i woke up at 7am i felt like i was still drunk, and the effect just slowly faded away and finished off with that vomit at city hall.
in fact its uhmm 12 now, i'm at home and damn awake.
at city hall, i went up and i felt super damn hungry but i was freaking damn sure that if i ate something i will comfirm spit it out right where i took that bite.
so i went into starbucks. i really dint know what to order. this was exactly what i ordered:
Cashier: May i have your order?
Me: Uhmma.. something ice blended. (it was like saying not asking, like how you say vanilla ice blended, but it was something, just something)
Cashier: *Looks at me, gestures at the board*
Me: uh ok.
Cashier: *gives that "this guy must have had a rough night" expression*
Cashier: coffe, non-coffe?
Me: ok.
Cashier: Chocolate, no chocolate?
Me: ok.
Cashier: whipped cream?
Me: ok.
Cashier: Small Medium Large?
Me: *takes out 10 dollars puts on table*
the conversation lasted approximatedly 30 seconds, so it was like this:
"Something iceblended, ok, ok, ok."
so basically that was it, night well spent :)
as for other matters.. i'll update it another time. i can already feel 50% bliss :)
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
- 11:55 AM
finally went clubbing boys and girls!!
went there right after my birthday. it was like this: previous day, mahjong till 8am in the morning, wake up at 6pm, not even awake yet, wearing slack clothes, put on a shirt and a jacket with my hair totally messed up, went to fish n co eat "birthday dinner" ^^
then straight away after dinner on the way home my brother ask me "wanna go club?"
hahahha dint even have to consider. rush back took 15 minutes, bathe, changed into puma jacket skinnys and spike up that hair.
went down to double 0 meet up with brother's bunk mates, all 20+ feel so young there.
so after walking around wating for his friends, finally went in. exactly what i expected haha. they booked table so i sat down and waited a while.
a while later there super alot people alr, then i wait for someone first blood then i follow up. haha. damn shiok alot of drinks cause i some of them dont drink as much as i do. (but i do get drunk alot too lol)
seriously, drinking + loud music is an epic combination.
even if you dont want to dance, your body will move by itself.
even if oyu dont know how to dance, you will loose control.
i really just anyhow dance until i felt abit kee siao lol.
was i drunk... hmmm i really dont know. but i can say i was fully aware of what was going on every single point of time.
and i clearly remebered i vomited a little.
i do vomit alot.. hmm but i have to say its a very nice feeling to get everything out... (literally and physically.)
oh and i saw real gays, like seriously gay gay. i saw a guy around mid 30s with some other guys wearing reall gay stuff.. and the highlight was this fatso, tall and fat, wearing a super tight shirt with really gay color and combination, long hair and had his hand constantly doing the gay stance. really sick.
for a first time clubber.. if you ask me if i would go again.. ceartainly yes hahah.
in fact. PLEASE CALL ME GO OMG.
then club until 3+ 4~ cabbed home, not as expensive as i thought it would be. on the cab, i looked at the sky and i straight away remembered it was full moon night, roundest at 4am. so i sent bulk sms to everyone. but i was very sure it was being shrouded by clouds. damn the weather.
no actually i wanted to sms only her. but the thought that she and i arent as close as all my other friends lists i randomly picked a few others to sms, hey i wasn't barely sober at that time i swear i was still in the mood.
i dont know if i'll ever get her.. its like i want to do something but everytime.. is not the right time... or should i say its not the right time yet... but then again if i past this period of time we may just slowly stray apart... i just want to be close enough to remain constant contact... at least for 10 years down the road...
its so hard...
i dont mind delaying it, but as we delay, the feeling becomes more and more awkard..
why choose such a time for insatiable love. why do i always induce such feelings upon myself.
but i must say.. the feeling only gets weaker the more i force it... i may loose this ability forever... and then i cannot sense attraction anymore... only you can change your mind now... and i'll do the rest.
